


Finally

by Cold Lightning (ArticNight)



Series: Tumblr stuff [1]
Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst, But not how you think, Child Abuse, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Support
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-20
Updated: 2015-07-20
Packaged: 2018-04-10 07:57:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4383644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArticNight/pseuds/Cold%20Lightning
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Barry is back to where he has been several times before and just like then he’s hesitating. Until someone shows up that is.</p><p> </p><p>  <b>Seriously, trigger warnings.</b></p>
            </blockquote>





	Finally

**Author's Note:**

> I keep trying to gift this fic to CM10 but ao3 won't let me and I have no idea how to fix it X(

There was something soothing about staring at a river. The constant flow of steady water rushing by, easily sweeping things into it’s depth never to be seen again. Yet so many people forget just how dangerous water can be. They get so lost in the weightlessness that they forget how easily it can be to drown or get swept out into the endless waves. It was a beautiful, dangerous thing. Green eyes blinked slowly as the stare was finally broken from the hypnotizing scene. There really was no reason to wait any longer. An exhausted sigh passed pale lips. Moving the young man climbed up so that he was standing on the thin railing above the currently raging dark apatite river. The only thing that kept him from taking the plunge was a hand delicately touching the steel beam. He was going to do it. This time for real. Now if only he could make himself let go of the metal, let go of how this would affect his friends and family. He could be selfish for once...couldn’t he?

“So you’re really going to do it?” a smooth voice asked. Normally any sound would have been startling when the only noise had been the splashing of the liquid below with a backdrop of silence, but this voice was calm but soft. It easily blended with what was going on around them. He didn’t have to turn around to know who that voice belonged to.

“What do you want Snart?” His own voice was so dead as his question rang through the night’s air.

“You to answer my question. And really? I would think by now you would at least use my first name Barry.” Slowly Barry turned to see Leonard Snart leaning against the railing besides him. Len was staring at him with a curious, calculating look, much like the velociraptors from the Jurassic Park movies. A bittersweet feeling replaced the small hollow feeling that had begun to consume him as he remembered a few days ago when Iris had invited everyone over to watch all the movies.

“Why do you care?” Barry shot back instead, eyes staring at the thing that would finally end everything.

“Curious I suppose,” Len drawled in that monotone voice of his, “What could force golden boy Bartholomew Henry Allen to this point? What would make The Flash, Central City’s _hero_ jump off a bridge?”

“Like I’d tell you.” Barry spat darkly.

“You’re going to kill yourself anyway so why not?...How about this you share yours and I’ll share mine.” That had Barry pausing, hesitantly looking over at the other man.

“What...What do you mean?” Len tilted his head and gave a small jerk, indicating that he wanted Barry to come closer before he answered that question. It was with a moment's hesitation that Barry did get off the fence though it was on the opposite side of Len. Barry sat so that his feet dangled over the edge. An exasperated sigh was heard as well as a rustling. Soon Len was sitting besides him.

“So do we have a deal?”

“I guess… What did you mean though?” An eyebrow rose at that.

“Don’t think you’re the only one to have those thoughts do you?”

“No but you’re… you.” And really there was no other way to describe Len than that. If Barry was going to be truthful he saw Len like many people saw the Arrow or the Flash minus the good guy stuff. He was supposed to be this powerful, unstoppable person who enjoyed what he did. A small scoff left Barry at that thought. It really shouldn’t be as surprising as it was. Look at him. He was that justice based hero that never caused more damage than needed, always willing to help, to trust, even if it was a bad idea

“That’s exactly why.” Len finally responded. That sort of made sense.

“What was the trigger for you?” Apparently Len wasn’t going to let him keep the conversation away from him. Barry thought it over carefully.

“The first time I thought about it I was eleven. My mom was murdered a few days before and my dad had been arrested. I don’t think anyone believed me, maybe Iris really did but she would have been the only one. I self harmed for the first time after my dad was found guilty.”

“That’s understandable.” That response… a wave of relief filled Barry at it, “You had just lost both your parents in such a short amount of time on top of that no one believed you. No one ever believes children when it comes to the darkness in the world.”

“Children are supposed to be too naive to understand but that isn’t true. It just hurt so much. I thought that if I couldn’t be with my dad then I would join my mom. I wanted my parents even if it was just one of them but then I thought about my dad. I couldn’t do that to him. He just lost his wife, the woman he loved more than anything, and was sentenced to jail for her murder when he hadn’t done it. I couldn’t make Joe have to go up to that prison, go up to my dad and tell him that his only son just killed himself weeks after he lost everything else.” Len seemed lost in thought as he gave a short nod.

“That sounds just like you.” Noticing the look he was giving him Len elaborated, “You are a very family orientated person. I won’t pretend to understand that, my only concern had always been Lisa from the day she was born, but it makes sense. In fact my reasons were the exact opposite of yours.” Briefly Barry remembered Joe mentioning that Len’s father was in jail.

“My mother was never in the picture. Once I could walk she was gone. Probably figured that I was walking I could take care of myself. Now the old man wasn’t that bad at the time. Didn’t help with jack but he wasn’t abusive. If I was trying to get something maybe he’d hand it to me maybe he’d tell me to use a chair. He wasn’t so bad because he was already seeing Lisa’s mother at the time. She was better than the old man. Probably liked the idea of being a mother you know? Until she had a kid that was actually hers. It was a few months before that when the old man started getting violent. It got worse as it went. I started wondering about death at that time, but then Lisa was born. I was about six at the time. Her mother didn’t stick around long after that. Still visited but even that began to dwindle until she stopped. I had tried telling the police what dear old dad was up to but of course no one believed me.”

“No one wants to think their co-worker is capable of that sort of thing, especially not when it’s a cop, someone who’s supposed to keep others safe.”

“Exactly.”

“Did...did they mention it to your father?”

“Of course.” Barry just shook his head at that. You never tell a suspected abuser who had said it. It could put the victim in a very dangerous situation otherwise.

“I started self-harming but I didn’t start considering suicide again for a few more years. I Had to be there for Lisa. I didn’t have anyone to really take care of me and I wasn’t going to leave an infant with that bastard.” Despite everything a small smile played at the corners of Barry’s lips.

“What?” Len questioned.

“Just laughing at the misfortune of two kids that the police didn’t believe when it came to their fathers.” The hint of a smile slid off Barry’s face.

“I-sorry-but-I just-”

“Don’t be. It doesn’t matter. I’ve stopped caring a long time ago. I found out quickly that it’s best otherwise it would just become too hard.”

“I’m scared.” Barry admitted softly.

“Why?”

“I’m afraid that I’ll become apathetic one day.”

“Are you afraid of forgetting how it feels or that one day when you’re playing hero, with everyone watching, you won’t move out of the way of a bullet?”

“Both. I’m scared of losing these feelings. I don’t know what I would do if I had to live a life full of apathy, and if I die I’d rather it be because I wasn’t strong enough to keep going instead of just not caring one way or another.”

“Think whatever you want but don’t think you’re weak,” Len’s voice had a coldness when he spoke as if he did actually care, “There is nothing wrong with wanting to end it. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be selfish for once in your life. Out of everyone I have met you are the least selfish person I have met. Everything you have done is based on other people and how it will affect them. So don’t think you’re weak for wanting to do something for yourself.” The surge of affection that suddenly hit Barry like a punch from Grodd almost had him toppling over the edge. Just as quickly a hand was steadying him.

“Careful there Red. I know you’re eager but we aren’t done talking.”

“You know my mom taught be a prayer: Accept the things you cannot change. Have the courage to change the things you can... and have the wisdom to know the difference. I had accepted my life as something I couldn’t change.”

“But you used all the courage you had to try and help others, to change their lives even if it was small.”

“Yeah.” Barry trailed off for a moment. Len began to speak once more and Barry just listened to the other man elaborate on his teenage years, about going to jail, meeting Mick, Lisa returning and everything else that had happened up to the heist that led the two of them crossing paths. Barry commented here and there but otherwise waited. When Len trailed off Barry knew it was his turn. He told Len about how he was bullied, about the fact that he had been hopelessly in love with Iris for the longest time before he realized it wasn’t really love, but she had been his only friend, the only one who at least pretended to believe him. That he didn’t gain any other real friends until after he woke up from the coma after that he had Caitlin, Cisco, Wells and eventually Eddie, but then he found out about Wells and different timelines and telepathic gorillas.

“You continue to amaze me Scarlet.” Len stated after Barry finished. By now the first rays of pink began to decorate the purplish blue sky. Barry turned so he was looking Len in the eyes.

“How?”

“You managed to last so long. I don’t think I would have lasted nearly that long.” the older man admitted.

“I don’t think I would have in your situation.”

“The sun’s coming up, are you still going to do it?” Barry stared down at the water that had become a blue jade color.

“I want to. I want to so badly.”

“Then do it.” Len made it sound so easy.

“But what about my dad? What about Iris and Joe-”

“What do you want? Think about it really carefully. What is it that you want?” Letting his eyes slip shut Barry didn’t even need to think of his answer.

“I want it to end.”

“Then do it.” With a nod Barry stood up with a hand holding the railing.

“Come with.” Len’s gaze snapped up to Barry, “You’ve admitted to wanting to end it, that you don’t even care anymore. You’re basically just waiting for someone to kill you. That isn’t a way to live.”

“You make a compelling argument.” Barry watched as Len stood up, “And you’re right. I don’t care and as patient as I am, it is getting tiring to wait for it.” A burst of nervous excitement filled Barry. He wasn’t afraid of dying, hadn’t been for the longest time and now it was finally happening. It would be over and he would be seeing his mom soon. Secretly Barry hoped that Len would be there at the end of it, so that he could meet Nora Allen. There was no doubt in Barry’s mind that no matter what Len has done his mother would welcome him just as openly as she would Barry. Without thought he grabbed Len’s hand, a large beaming smile on his face.

“My mom’s waiting on the other side, we’re going to see my mom.” Barry couldn’t contain the pure joy he felt in that moment. Len’s stoic face softened ever so slightly.

“We better not keep her waiting then.” The other man squeezed his hand and Barry tightened his in response. With one last deep breath Barry stepped off. The rush of air felt so much like when he was running. The wind pelting his face, the feeling of finally being free. When the plunge happened Barry laughed, bubbles escaping as he felt the cold water. Len must have caught on because he had an amused smirk of his own. The icy water started to become numbing as the burning feeling of needing oxygen made itself known. Still looking towards Len, Barry let his eyes slowly drift shut finally, _finally_ embracing the darkness he had longed for.

**Author's Note:**

> And I am an awful person ~~but I can't bring myself to care~~. You can tell they're my favorite can't you? But really. I asked CM10 a question, they responded which had me thinking it through and writing this.
> 
> I'll probably add more to the conversation later.
> 
> To everyone following my other series/works I just need to write some really angst filled things before I go back to bittersweet/happy stuff.


End file.
